Missing my Mean Roommate
by StangeInterests32
Summary: Killer Frost is gone. But Caitlin Snow is still here, and she still has to face what happened to her - both parts of her. Will she decide to bury her emotions? Or, after a fall to rock bottom, will she decide to do what Killer Frost would do - pick herself up, get to work on the problem, and act like badass she had inside her?
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is just a quick thought that entered my head as I was rewatching last week's episode. I know they'll probably have Caitlin address the issue, but I thought I'd try my hand at exploring what might be going on in Caitlin's mind.

Please enjoy.

* * *

"Hey, Caitlin, I'm heading home," Cisco said as he peeked his head into the lab that Caitlin was sitting in. Caitlin nodded without looking up from the monitor she was looking at. "Need anything before I go?"

"No, I'm good," Caitlin responded.

"You sure you're okay?" Cisco prodded.

"I'm fine, Cisco," Caitlin answered forcefully as she turned around in her chair.

"I'm just asking," he said raising his hands. "After all, it's been a couple of days since…well, since…"

"I know," Caitlin said, saving him from the awkwardness of the situation.

"You haven't really talked about it. If you wanted to, I could hang around."

I know you would, Caitlin thought, and thank you for it. She knew he'd sit and talk with her all night if she wanted him to. So would Harry. And Iris. And Barry. Even Joe would let her just go on and on about what she was feeling. But none of them would understand what she was feeling.

"Thanks for the offer, but…I still need some time to myself about this. Go home, get some rest."

Cisco sighed and nodded, and then left Caitlin alone in the lab.

Caitlin turned and looked back at the monitor. She stared at all the work she'd done trying to figure out way to put herself back together and get Killer Frost back. But like she'd told Barry when his powers were put into Iris, she was forced to admit that there was nothing she could do. She leaned onto the desk, holding her head in her hands and let out a deep breath of resignation. She shut down the computer, went and grabbed her purse, and started heading for the underground parking garage. As she fished out her keys she smiled at the recollection of a memory.

* * *

Caitlin had woken up, brushed her teeth, showered, and dressed for work. She was leaving her apartment and as she stopped by the end table next to the door. She grabbed her car keys out of the bowl she kept them in and immediately paused. Something felt different. _They_ felt different. She opened her hand and looked down, and was shocked to see that she wasn't holding her normal Fiat keys. Instead, there was a set of keys bearing the Mercedes emblem.

"What the…," she started to ask until she noticed the sticky note attached to inside of the bowl. She picked it up and read the message on it.

 _Caity, yeah...I don't do Fiats. So I traded it in and picked up a little something last night. You'll like it. Its more our speed, and it'll make both of us look even hotter._

 _\- KF_

She traded in my car, Caitlin thought. And bought a Mercedes! She made her way to the parking garage as fast as she could, surprising even herself with how fast she was moving in her heels. When she got down to garage, she passed one of the other tenants in the building, an ER doctor who usually worked the graveyard shift.

"Hey Caitlin," he said as she passed him. "Saw the new car in your space…nice," he chuckled as she raced on without stopping. When she got to her space, her eyes widened. Sitting in the spot was a brand new satin black Mercedes AMG GTS.

"Oh…my…God!" she gasped. She felt her heart start to race at the sight of the sports car. Why the hell would she do this, she thought. Does she know how much this car costs, she further mused at the knowledge that this was a one-hundred and fifty thousand dollar vehicle. "This is so going back," she said out loud as she decided that at the end of the day she was returning it and getting _her car_ back.

But as she drove to Jitters for her morning coffee, she couldn't help but be impressed at the power of the car, not to mention being surprised by how well it actually handled. She was also caught off guard by Killer Frost's revelation about her looking hot in it. At least that's what she thought as that really cute guy on the motorcycle pulled up next to her at the red light and started checking her out. It happened one more time at another red light on her way to S.T.A.R. labs, the second time by some firefighters who were getting ready to leave a fire they had just put out. She couldn't help but smile at they gave her some dazzling smiles of their own and very appreciative looks while she waited for the light to turn green.

Okay, so maybe she wasn't totally wrong about me liking it, she thought by the time she'd made it to S.T.A.R. labs. But it's totally impractical, there's no way I can keep it. It's going back, she thought.

"Maybe in a day or two," she thought out loud as she hit the alarm as she made her way inside. "After all, I should have _some_ fun with it," she finished. A day or two later, turned into, "It'll get returned at the end of the week."

That turned into, "Realistically, I could take it back at the end of the thirty days."

* * *

Now six months later she was still driving the Mercedes. Practicality be damned, she thought every time she revved the engine just before peeling out and showing off what the car was capable of. She remembered leaving a sticky note of her own after that first month.

 _Love the car. But please, please, please, next time ask first._

 _\- Caity_

As she walked into her apartment, she left the keys in the bowl and went to her bedroom. She stripped herself of her worked clothes and pulled on some sweats. Afterwards, she went to the kitchen. She pulled open the refrigerator, looking to see what she could make herself for dinner, scrunching her face after not seeing anything she wanted at the moment. "Guess it's a Chinese take-out kind of night," she said to herself as she was about to close the door. Before she did, she spotted something on the second shelf – two six packs of Killer Frost's favorite beer. Caitlin usually stuck to wine once she was home, and even then, she never drank enough to affect her the next morning, unless she happened to be out with the team. But Killer Frost didn't have that problem. Since her healing ability worked even faster than Barry's, like him, she never worried about getting drunk. She figured the twelve bottles were probably something that Frost could take down in one sitting without feeling a thing. "Lucky her."

Feeling like it shouldn't go to waste, she grabbed a couple and took them to the couch where she ordered dinner and waited. A couple of hours later, Caitlin was stumbling into her bedroom. She wasn't totally drunk, but she was no longer sober, taking down five of Frost's beers. I'll leave her a note in the morning, Caitlin thought to herself as she crawled into bed. As her head hit the pillow, she remembered that she didn't have – need – to leave a note.

"There's no one to leave a note for," she slurred. She turned onto her side and looked out her window at the night time sky. As she was feeling her eyes watering at the solemn thought of not needing to leave a sticky note, she caught sight of the small chaise next to the window. Laying across the arm of it was the jacket she used when she decided that Killer Frost needed an actual suit rather than that black leather dress and long coat. She forced herself out of bed and grabbed the jacket. She opened the closet and looked for the hanger on Frost's side of the closet.

There wasn't much to Frost's side, mostly an assortment of black pants, some jeans – mostly leather – and matching black or dark blue tops. She paired most of them with the current blue jacket Caitlin held in her hands, or the black leather one Caitlin picked up for herself when she was still working for Amunet. Once it was neatly hung, Caitlin stared at it, and at the rest of the clothes. Suddenly, an overwhelming rush of anger flowed out of her, hot enough that she half expected to feel Frost assert herself and appear. But Caitlin knew she wouldn't appear. She wouldn't come out from inside of her. Killer Frost was gone. And Caitlin hated admitting that. She hated that someone she had actually grown to appreciate, grown to like being a part of her life…wasn't there anymore. It wasn't just that Frost was gone. It was that she was taken away. Part of herself was now gone, Caitlin realized, and because of it, the reason she had felt numb since it happened was because Caitlin didn't feel whole anymore. As much as she wanted her gone in the beginning, Caitlin realized that Killer Frost was as much a part of this mind and body as Caitlin Snow herself.

She felt her eyes watering from the anger spreading within her, and then, for lack of a better term, snapped.

Caitlin reached inside the closet and grabbed at Frost's jacket, yanking it of its hanger. The hanger itself forcefully dropped from the hanging rod, clattering to the carpeted floor. Caitlin threw the jacket to the other end of the room, not looking where it landed, but hearing it and. She next started ripping the rest of Frost's clothes off their hangers, some of the hangers falling, other snapping from the force exerted to them. Soon, the other end of the room was littered with clothing that Caitlin was sure would never be worn again by their rightful owner. With no more clothes to grab at, Caitlin collapsed to her knees in the open closet doorway. She was crying her eyes out, tears streaming down her face like raging rivers.

"I want her back," she sobbed to the empty bedroom. "Oh God, I want her back," she cried as she fell to the floor, tucking herself into a ball, her knees hugged to her chest. It was the first time she had acknowledged – truly acknowledged – that Killer Frost was really gone and might not come back. It was the first real showing of emotion over what had happened. For the first time Caitlin realized that Killer Frost wasn't just the accumulation of dark matter and a set DNA asserting itself. She was an actual person. They shared a body, but each was their own mind, their own personality. And they were just starting to find a rhythm with one another and co-exist.

But with one touch, all that was gone and Caitlin felt alone and broken. As she started to pass out from the tears and alcohol, she let out one last sob as she realized, this would be one of those times like when she'd hung out with the guys, had a little too much and passed out on the couch, only to find herself in bed the next morning. Killer Frost wouldn't come out as Caitlin was knocked out to the world, do whatever it is she did, and then place themselves in bed. No, this time, Caitlin knew she was going to wake up right where she was, and that made her cry once more for the lost part of herself.

"I'm getting her back," Caitlin thought just before her eyes closed.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: So I decided to continue this story. I have this chapter (obviously lol) and one more planned since I felt a further look into Caitlin's head was warranted. I know this chapter is short compared to the first one, but I really feel her decision to go to therapy was probably a quick one for someone as pragmatic as she is. The next one will be longer since I plan on it making Caitlin look way more bad ass!

Please enjoy...

* * *

"Breathe in. Feel the tension leave your body," the yoga instructor said as she led the class through the current pose – the goddess pose. Leave my body, I'm just trying to clear my head, Caitlin thought as she subconsciously listened and breathed in deeply. I need some tension to bring her out, she further mused as she moved into a different variation of the pose.

It had been a few days after Amunet helped reveal that whatever it was that helped Caitlin bring out Killer Frost was actually in own her head. Since then, Caitlin had been trying everything she could think of to help reach a "zen" state to maybe reach Killer Frost. She'd tried meditation, but realized that she was…wound a little too tightly to reach a relaxed state by just sitting in quiet contemplation. She tried exercise. And despite the obvious health benefits, all she found herself was more sore than usual since she was working out a little _harder_ than normal.

She tried jogging, but then she remembered that she wasn't Barry.

Going for walks was soothing, but only made her feel impatient.

Iris suggested that she try talking about her feelings over the situation. She even gave her Doctor Finkel's card, and Caitlin politely took it, but didn't think she'd ever use it. In fact, she didn't even bother to remember where she lost it. After all, Caitlin didn't know how to even begin explaining that she was trying to get an alter-ego, a completely different person who was inside her own head, to come out and assert herself every now and then… _without_ sounding crazy.

That was when she finally settled on the yoga. It was her third class, and already she was feeling like this wasn't working. You know what, I'm done, Caitlin thought to herself as she stood up straight, rolled up her yoga mat, and made her way to the back of the room. The instructor watched her as she put on her sneakers and gathered her bag and began making her way toward the front door.

"Caitlin, is something wrong?" she asked the departing doctor.

"No, I just…I just don't think this is helping me with what I need," Caitlin responded politely before walking out of the studio.

Once she was back in her car, she got out her phone and texted Iris after a moment of realizing that she was at another option that she wasn't really a fan of. But she was running out of those same options and figured this couldn't hurt to try.

 _Hey, im gonna need dr. finkels number again._


	3. Chapter 3

S.T.A.R. Labs was quiet. The day was done. The Thinker had been vanquished. Team Flash was intact – with the addition of a happy returning member, though with departure of another. Central City was safe. They had won.

All was right with the world.

Caitlin was the only person inside S.T.A.R. Labs at the moment. Barry and Iris had long since gone home after the celebration had ended. Cisco and Ralph had gone out for a drink. They'd invited her, but she'd declined. Harry had already gone back to Earth-2. Joe, Cecile, and the baby were at the hospital. She'd actually just gotten back from the hospital herself. She'd gone with Joe and Cecile to help them get checked in and to inform the staff of Cecile and the baby's vitals so they could begin looking them over. She knew she could've gone home, but her lab was a mess from the birth, and being the neat freak she was, she didn't want to leave it in a state of disorder until tomorrow.

Finally, after nearly two hours wiping down surfaces and disinfecting tools, her lab was spotless. She had gathered her purse and was making her way out when she heard the alarm from the Cortex. Damn it Cisco, she thought realizing that he had forgotten to shut down the equipment. She rushed over to console to see what the emergency was and if it was necessary to call the team in. The display was telling her that the alarm to Central City Credit Union had been tripped. A bank robbery, she thought. Don't criminals take a break after a near apocalypse?

She thought about calling in the team, but figured she didn't _need_ to. CCCU was only about ten blocks away, and it was _just_ a bank robbery. I can totally handle this, she thought to herself. Well, Killer Frost could – could've – handle this. In that moment of doubt, she almost considered just letting the police handle it, but then she realized that they were probably still handling the fallout from the Enlightenment. By the time she alerted Barry to the situation, who know how much could get taken, she also told herself. Besides, she thought, I took on the Thinker, several times, all without my – Killer Frost's – powers. A couple of bank robbers should be a breeze, she psyched herself up.

"I am already dressed for it," she said out loud as she looked down at herself and saw that she was still in the outfit she was when they infiltrated the Argus facility and dealt with the Enlightenment. The frost bites are with the cold gun, and there's a motorcycle in the garage, she further thought. "Let's suit up," she said realizing that she only needed her black jacket and the glasses to protect her from the glare of the ice weapons.

* * *

"Hurry up, the cops might be slowed, but they'll still show eventually," a heavy set robber yelled to his two accomplices as he ran out of the vault they'd managed to blow open. The duffel bag in his hand slowed him down just a little bit, its weight dragging. But considering the amount of money he'd shoved in it, he could deal with it. His partners followed him seconds later, one tall and lanky and the other looking like he was in actual shape. Each one was carrying a bag of their own, though the in shape one was carrying a second. They ran out of the bank and toward their waiting car. As they were about to open the doors, the sound of an engine broke the silence of the night.

They looked around until they saw a single headlight heading toward them. The motorcycle came to a stop maybe ten feet from them. They saw a woman get off the bike and step in front of it. She was wearing all black except for a pair of dark red glasses.

"Hi, boys, late night withdrawal?" she quipped at them.

"Who the hell are you?" the heavy set robber asked.

Crap, Caitlin thought. I never thought they'd ask that. No one asks Killer Frost that. Then again, since the whole Reichsmen thing, everyone knows who she is. Well can't worry about that now.

"I'm the one who says you need to put all that money back," Caitlin ordered as she grabbed the cold gun from behind her and aimed it at the robbers. The sound of the gun powering up caused a secondary frisson of trepidation in the three men. They looked at each other as they saw the blue triangle of electricity burn in the gun's front end. Suddenly, to Caitlin's surprise, they began to laugh almost hysterically.

Not the reaction I was expecting, she thought.

"Take care of her," the stocky one said to the fit one.

"Won't even need the gun," the fit one muttered as he started walking around from the rear door and toward Caitlin.

"Last chance," Caitlin warned, but the robber didn't stop advancing toward her. Suddenly, a loud whirring sound that lasted all of a second, disturbed the night and then a bright burst of blue-white light fired from the cold gun and hit the front of the gateway car.

With the robbers momentarily distracted, Caitlin flung the cold gun down, the strap swinging around her until it was hanging down her back. She then pointed her right arm at the advancing robber and fired a wide blast of ice from that arm's frost bite. The force of it hitting him knocked him back. She then pointed her left arm at the open passenger door and fired a blast toward it. The door was pushed into the heavy set robber who grunted from the pain. The lanky robber looked on and then, while fumbling it, raised his gun. Caitlin fired a concentrated blast at him, the sharpened icicle piercing his right upper am. With a scream of pain he dropped his gun and dived behind the back of the car.

"Freaking bitch," the in shape robber grunted as he charged at Caitlin, this time at full speed. Caitlin tried to fire an icicle in his direction, but he managed to close the distance quicker than she could react and he tackled her to the ground. Caitlin grunted in pain as she felt herself hit the pavement. In a move born of instinct or self-preservation, she couldn't really tell, she managed to get her hands up and cross them in front of her in order to protect her face, feeling his forearm land in the crossed section, sending his fist just to the right of her face. She screamed in pain, and surprise, when she felt his other fist land in her ribs.

She immediately brought her left leg, which had ended up between his legs during the take down, up and drove her knee as hard as she could into him. The robber let out what could only be described as both a grunt and a scream at the impact of Caitlin's knee against his balls. As he rolled of her, Caitlin took the opportunity to hit him with a well-placed punch, knocking him onto his back.

"Ahh," she grunted as she felt the pain of the punch reverberate through her hand. Shaking off the pain as best she could, she lunged at the robber, aiming her elbow at his head. Doing her best to put as much force, and as much of her body weight, as she could, Caitlin landed the elbow along the side of his head, almost directly on his temple and, much to her surprise, knocking him out. She immediately turned and pointed her hands back at the car. She was gasping for breath, trying to calm herself as she noticed no movement. Rising slowly, she made her way to the passenger side. She could feel her heart racing as she switched back to the cold gun. When she got back behind the still open door, she saw the heavy set robber slumped against the back door of the car. She figured that the impact of the door hitting him sent him into the car hard enough to knock him out.

Remembering that there was a third, she quickly made her way to the back of the car. She pointed the cold gun at the hunched figure of the lanky robber as he sat against the back bumper, his hand clutching his wound.

"Put that hand up against the trunk," she ordered him. Looking up at her, he shakily did what she asked, gritting his teeth at the pain of raising his injured arm. She pressed a button on the cold gun, altering the temperature and fired. When she stopped, his hand and wrist were encased in ice and stuck to the car. He screamed from the sudden freezing temperature. She crouched down next to him and looked at his wound. "Didn't hit any veins or arteries…nothing vital at all really," she said to him, though surprising herself. "Some stitches and you should be fine. Do you have a phone on you?"

He reached across himself and into his pants as best he could and fished his phone out. Caitlin took it and dialed, and then held it up to her ear.

"Hi, Central City PD?" she said, altering her voice just to make it sound slightly deeper. "I'm at 32nd and Main, Central City Credit Union. I just stopped three guys from robbing it. You might want to send a car to come get them…There in the parking lot. Two are knocked out, one's _pinned_ to the getaway car, and he's a little hurt…Who am I? Uh…," she trailed off. Why does every one want a name, she thought. She moved the cold gun to a more comfortable position on her shoulder and then had an epiphany, and a way to somewhat honor another fallen, and reformed, hero. "I'm…Lady Cold," she answered as she hung up.

She tossed the phone into the robbers lap. "Did that name sound too cheesy?" she asked him. He nervously shook his head. "Thanks. By the way, I raised the temperature on the gun, so as long as the police get here within the next half hour, all you end up with on that hand is some very mild first-degree frostbite."

Caitlin then got up and made her way back to the motorcycle. She felt a small tremor of pain in her ribs as she raised her leg to straddle it. I'm gonna feel that tomorrow, she thought as she started the bike and sped off.

* * *

Caitlin stored and locked away the cold gun and the frost bites. It was the last thing she needed to do before finally going home. When she arrived back she practically dropped them in the Cortex and headed to her lab. She relieved herself of the jacket and lifted her tank top up to see if there was any damage from the punch she'd received. Sure enough, a large bruise was beginning to form and when she pressed on the area, she felt a stinging in her ribs. She scanned herself and was contented to see that none of her ribs were broken, only bruised.

"I can keep that covered," she said to herself as she pulled on a S.T.A.R. Labs sweatshirt over her tank top. She was about to grab her purse from where she'd locked in a drawer, when she felt an old urge that she hadn't had in while. She went over to her desk and grabbed a pen and a post-it.

 _Stopped Devoe and got back Ralph – Cait_

She stuck the post-it to the monitor next to the couple that Killer Frost had left the previous month. She hadn't had the heart to take them down yet. She mused to herself and then began writing again.

 _Stopped a robbery all on my. No Flash. No Cisco. Just me. Felt like a badass. – Cait_

She added it next to her previous message and smiled. She hadn't yet gotten Killer Frost to appear, but after what she'd done earlier, and experiencing the rush of being a hero – not just support, as she had felt like as of late – she felt closer to her alter ego. She collected her things and, despite the nagging pain of her ribs, felt herself walking just a little bit taller and with the same swagger that she was certain Killer Frost walked around with.

The End


End file.
